Saying Goodbye

We sold our place and we have to move.  We have no choice but to take a rental unit in a not so desirable area because it is literally all we can afford in this stupid fucking city.  We tried finding a place to buy but we are either priced out of anything half decent or the ones that are somewhat in our price range we get outbid by cash buyers who have money to throw around.  So, we have had to settle on a rental unit that will do for now until we can get work out what we have to do to either survive in this city or leave this city.

Part of the sacrifice I have to make moving to this place is I have to give up CrossFit.  The nearest box is a 15 minute drive away and the membership fees are high.  I won’t be able to afford it anymore.

This breaks my heart.

CrossFit has been my world for the last three years.  I’ve fallen in love with the workouts, the people and how it makes me feel.

I know I am fully capable of running my own workout in a regular gym but the thought of battling it out with other people for a piece of equipment and then getting stink eye from someone waiting to use it makes me sad.  I know I’ve been spoiled being able to know that there will always be a barbell and squat rack for me to use whenever I want.  I know it’s part of the perk of paying the expensive membership for going to a CrossFit.

It also is hard because I was working towards improving on a lot of movements like pull-ups, handstand push-ups and toes to bar.  Now all the work I’ve put in to all of that will be pointless and difficult to do in a gym like the one that is my best option.

I also feel sad because CrossFit has become my social circle.  Most of the things I do that are social outside of work are typically with members of my gym.  What happens when I not only move further away from them but also stop doing the one main thing that bonds us?   Will they still think of me?  Will they still remember to invite me to their activities?  Or will it naturally fizzle out because we’re not around each other every day and also because I feel sad that I’m not able to do what they do anymore?

I’m trying to find the positives in it, I really am.  But I can’t help but feel resentful that I have to sacrifice something so major in my life for this move.  Even if we bought a place I would have to give it up for affordability reasons.

So, I’m looking at purchasing a few items that I can bring into the gym at the building we are moving in to.  I may not be able to do full CrossFit style workouts but I can at least do something similar.  I’m sure there will be people there that aren’t happy with me hauling my own stuff in that they can’t use but whatever.  I just really don’t want to veer away from functional training.  I know I don’t need to do CrossFit in order to do functional training but it certainly makes it easier.

Sigh.  I guess it is what it is and I have to make the best of the situation.

But it still sucks.


Saying Goodbye

Ignorance is Bliss

This isn’t fitness related at all but I need to vent to get this off of my chest so I can move on.

Today, in the news, there was an article where some schools have made the decision to not have the kids make Mother’s Day cards for their Moms for the upcoming holiday.  The decision was made out of respect for the fact that the idea of “family” is changing, be it involving two same-sex parents or perhaps a single parent.  I thought this was a nice idea.  Society is evolving and the concepts we have known and grown up with should too in order to accommodate everyone as best as we can.  I figured if a parent wanted to ensure their kids did something for their Mom, it’s something they could coordinate at home themselves, much like what we did when we were kids.

But then it hit social media and all the haters were given more fuel to their hate fire.  I got into it with someone who I know 100% refuses to agree on any “new age” changes (eg. Gender neutrality).  I don’t know why I took the bait but I did.  Maybe it’s because these things now matter a little more to me now that I’m an Aunt or maybe it’s because I’m getting tired of people acting like these societal changes are bullshit, I don’t know.  But I got sucked in to his opinion and have ended up pissed off.

He has the usual Trump mentality about these things.  He thinks we’re “babying” the youth of today and if they can’t handle the fact that they come from a different type of home than others then they are going to grow up to be pansies and that parents should be explaining to kids that there are lots of others out there like them.  Because, you know, it’s super easy to explain to a 6 year old crying in the corner because his Daddy walked out the door and never came back while his classmates are making Father’s Day cards that there are other kids in this world just like them.  This guy clearly has no experience with kids or any sort of understanding on cognitive growth otherwise he would understand that young children don’t understand the concept of “the world” and that there are millions of others in it.  I commented to him that to a kid, their entire world is what they can see right in front of them:  their family and their classmates.  It’s not until kids are in their late teens that they start to have the ability to think reasonably about things as that part of their brain just simply does not develop until then.  It’s not something that can be taught.  It’s just the way we are built.

We have now been going back and forth for awhile now.  Part of me wants to stop commenting because I’m obviously not getting anywhere with him but the other part of me is persevering because I feel like people get away with this crap because people are afraid to argue and push back.  To try and challenge their way of thinking.

However, it’s just making me angry.

I’m angry because I just don’t understand why people can’t try and understand that there’s so much more to any sort of social change than their own opinion.  People have been fighting for centuries for various right for the underdog.  Civil rights.  Women’s rights. The list goes on.  But now because people are fighting for something that some people deem to be “trivial” they think that it doesn’t matter?  How does it make it any less of an issue than any sort of issue that these people have had in their lives?  How would they feel if they were throwing a tantrum over something that meant the WORLD to them and someone turned around and told them that they “suck” and then that person continued to “walk around offending people as often as possible over things like this” (direct quotes from the conversation I’ve been having)?  I’m pretty sure they’d feel pretty victimized and horrible.  I believe there’s a word for it……maybe they’ve heard of it….I believe it’s “bullying”.

Yeah.  That nasty word.  But of course, if someone complains of being bullied they’re immediately considered to be a wimp and they need to grow a pair and stand up for themselves.  I’m afraid it’s not that simple and if someone thinks it is then….well….I don’t know what to say aside from it must be nice to live in that protected bubble world where nothing or no one has ever created a negative experience for them to have to cope with.

I’m also angry because we live in a world that spews hatred and animosity.  You see it every day.  Road rage.  Racism. Online fighting with strangers that you don’t even know.  It’s a constantly lurking around and rearing its ugly head.  So when topics like this come up and someone isn’t even trying to understand why this is a “thing” now and are spitting out hateful comments I can’t help but feel that this world is going to hell in a hand basket.  The future terrifies me.  Millennials terrify me.  Ignorance terrifies me.  Lack of even trying to understand something that is beyond oneself terrifies me.

Anyway, the argument on Facebook continues with him and I’m clearly not making any headway but I am hoping that maybe he’ll at least have my words in his head next time a topic like this comes up.  Out of respect for my relationship with his parents I am now bowing out of the conversation and am hoping that maybe his parents might read the thread and realize they need to have a talk with him.  Or maybe they won’t and he was raised to be this way.  I don’t know.  But I won’t hesitate to say something to them if it ever comes up.

In this Trump-ed up world we need to spread love and understanding, not anger and hatred.


Ignorance is Bliss

Self Sabotage

Well HELLO there!  I know, I know, it has been radio silence for the last god knows how long from here.  Life just started to get really busy and there wasn’t a lot of time to sit down and write out my thoughts.

The last few months have been interesting, to say the least.  I started with counting my macros which was going exceptionally well.  After the first few weeks I started noticing physical changes and my weight was definitely dropping every week.  I was feeling lighter and felt like I was on my way to new me.  I was pumped!

Then, for some reason it all went to shit.  I lost control and I have no one to blame but myself.  I started indulging more than I should have been and I let myself overeat a number of times knowing full well that I was exceeding my macros.  Part of me was thinking “whatever” but another part of me was hating myself more and more, especially as I saw the pounds piling back on.

It’s hard.  Setting goals and accomplishing them is hard.  I follow numerous people on social media who have made these epic physical changes and I wonder to myself “…but….how??”  How do they stop themselves from digging into the treats when they’re around?  How do they stop themselves from ordering a burger instead of a salad?  How do they stop themselves from eating too much in one sitting?  Where does this amazing self control come from and where do I get me some?!

I’ve come to realize that I self-sabotage.  I am 100% guilty of thinking I can control myself on one day of cheating but then it downward spirals into weeks of it.  I was actually paying someone to help me with my macro counting and even THAT didn’t help me stay committed.  I started to feel embarrassed that every week when I checked in with her my weight wasn’t changing and my check-in photos weren’t improving either.  But….I didn’t feel embarrassed just because my lack of effort, I felt embarrassed because I knew other people who had been also reporting to her and their results were ridiculously incredible.  I was left feeling like the gross whale who just made excuses for not improving every week.

Yesterday was my 34th birthday and I decided that enough is enough.  I’m still not going to keep paying the nutritionist for help, I think I can do it myself for now but I am going to try and keep going and see if I can first off drop the weight I gained back and then secondly drop some more.  I was lying in bed last night feeling actual anxiety over how I felt physically and I realized I can’t keep this up.  I need to focus and do something about it because feeling that way is not healthy.

Part of my plan to get back on track is to start coming back here to post updates and hold myself accountable as well.  So…’s to moving forward!



Self Sabotage


For those of you who have been reading my (occasional) posts, you all know I’ve been counting my macros for the last five weeks or so.  I have been SO swamped at work that I haven’t had time to write a blog post about how it has been going so now that I finally have some down time for the holidays I decided to log in and post my thoughts.

The first five weeks of IIFYM has gone really well.  At least I think it has.  The results are slow and definitely not drastic but when I compared my picture from week one to week five I could definitely see some changes.  I dropped about 8 pounds consistently (weighing-in daily makes it so the weight fluctuates regularly) which I was extremely happy about.

I was also pleased that my workouts didn’t feel like they suffered at all.  I still had energy to get through things but by the end of the WOD I would be ravenous and need to power back a protein shake on the drive home so I didn’t walk in the door of the house and eat everything in sight.  It’s going to take some adjustments to get it so I don’t want to eat the world at 8:30 at night.  I’ll get there.

Christmas obviously was a tough time to keep counting so I decided for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day I would put things aside and just enjoy whatever came my way.  With my Mom’s Christmas baking and the other treats around the house I couldn’t resist and honestly, it seems stupid to not enjoy the holiday fun.

I tried my best to steer away from anything alcoholic but I had one really rough day at work (after working 12 days in a row) and all I wanted was a giant glass of wine, so I bought some on the way home and enjoyed a glass.  After overdoing it at the corporate Christmas party a few weeks ago I feel less inclined to drink though, so it was easy to stop at just one glass.

After weighing myself this morning I can confirm that I did gain weight but not as much as I had assumed, which is great!  I now have two goals to work towards over the next two months:  a CrossFit competition at the end of January and wearing a bathing suit in March when our family goes to Maui.  I figure if I could have a lot of success in the first month of doing this then over the next two months I can do even better!

To motivate myself to get back on track I spent some time Googling IIFYM before and afters and now feel inspired to keep on trucking with things.  It’s amazing to see the physical changes some people have and I hope that with consistency and hard work I can also be one of them.  I’m excited to keep going!

So, with that being said, I’m going to gear up and head to the gym!





Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Rep skimming.  Ugh.  This has to be the most annoying thing for me in the CrossFit world.  The act of either not doing the movements properly (so technically they would be deemed “no reps”) or the act of intentionally miscounting reps in the workout with the goal of being at the top of the leaderboard.

I have been doing CrossFit for nearly three years now and have seen my fair share of athlete abilities in my home box.  I am familiar with who can do what and what limitations other members have, as well as my own.  I know this because I’ve been working out alongside these people as well as looking at the same leaderboard as everyone else.  So, when someone who normally isn’t strong in a certain wod comes in first place on the leaderboard I can’t help but wonder what the heck happened.

For example, last night’s workout was a doozie.  It was like it was designed for me as every single movement was in my wheelhouse.  I killed that workout.  I lapped people.  I finished well ahead of anyone else in the class of 18 people.  We are a small enough box that I know I am the strongest at all of those movements out of all of the female members.  Then, I looked at the leaderboard and saw that I didn’t come at the top of it.  A woman who I know isn’t in the same category as me did.  Mysteriously.  This isn’t the first time she has done it even after I worked out right next to her and witnessed her workout first hand and know where her skill level is at.  To be blunt:  there’s no freakin’ way she beat me.

Now, I know this doesn’t matter in the big scheme of things.  Who really cares, right?  I know it doesn’t affect my progress and how well (or poorly) I’m doing as at the end of the day I just have to do my workout and that’s it.  Someone else’s missed reps don’t affect my fully executed reps.  But what DOES bother me is that when people cheat it undermines the hard work that everyone else is putting in.

We have people who click the “Rx” button on their workout even though they didn’t actually Rx it.  We have people who don’t go to full depth on their squats but still count the reps.  We have people who don’t actually get their chin over the bar on pull-ups but they still count the reps.  I know at the end of the day they’re only cheating themselves but it frustrates me because there are those members who aren’t afraid to “no rep” themselves or take a moment to stop, correct their movement and then get back into the workout so that they know they’re doing it properly.  Whether it’s a brand new member who is learning how to do things or a veteran member, we should all have a goal of ensuring our movement standards are the same and we are counting properly.

I did some Google reading to see how other boxes handle these sorts of things.  After a quick search it became VERY obvious that this is a common problem across the board in the CrossFit community.  Many boxes have different approaches to how to handle it.  Some address it head on and let people know it’s not cool, others just try and ignore it and encourage people to focus on their own workout, not another person’s.

While I continue to be annoyed and frustrated by the few individuals who don’t necessarily do the right thing at the box, I have decided I need to focus more on those who DO do the right thing.  The people who aren’t afraid to come dead last in a workout because they’re wanting to do everything properly and accurately.  The people who are still learning who don’t even care about comparing to anyone else but themselves.  Or, the people who are at the top who are busting their butts to get through the workout and then cheering the slower members on to the end mark.  We have a lot of great people and while I can’t promise that I won’t get annoyed by rep skimming, I’m going to try and focus more on the great folks that I get to work out next to every day.



Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

Learning to Love the Scale

There has been a huge push over the last number of years that encourages us to not worry about the number on a scale and more about how you feel and how your clothes fit.  I guess the whole idea behind weight is that it’s not necessarily relevant to health and fitness levels anymore.

I can tell you that the last time I checked my BMI I was in the obese category based on my age, height and weight.  I can assure you that I am not obese.  However, I remember feeling down about seeing that number and thinking to myself “How is that possible??”

After that I stopped weighing myself and I stopped focusing on numbers.  I always had a fairly good idea of my guesstimated weight was and felt like as long as I felt okay then that’s all that mattered.  I got rid of the scale that I had and didn’t weigh myself for a few years.

But then the macro counting started and the Nutritionist I’m working with not only wants me to weigh myself but she wants me to weigh myself DAILY.  Daily!!  How did I go from never wanting to step on to a scale again to having to weigh myself every single day when I wake up?

For the first week of tracking my macros and weight I have to say that I felt a little dejected.  I was more or less meeting my macro requirements each day, I exercised six of the seven days of the week and all in all felt pretty good.  But the scale didn’t budge.  By the end of the week the scale confirmed I lost 6 ounces.  That’s it.  All of that effort for 6 bloody ounces.

I felt frustrated so I was messaging with one of my CrossFit coaches who is also following this Nutritionist’s advice (and seeing great results).  I told him that it’s hard to feel motivated to keep going when the scale isn’t budging in spite of everything I put into the week.  He told me to “trust the process” and let the Nutritionist make corrections to things if she thinks I need it.  He said the first week or two are hard because you’re still getting used to determining what you should be eating and how to properly meet the required macros.  He has always been a great pep-talker for me and for that I am thankful to have him checking in on me every few days to see how I’m doing.

So, it’s now week two and I am hoping that after my check-in email and pictures to the Nutritionist that I sent in this morning she is able to make some adjustments and help me get on a better path towards dropping some weight, which will in turn maybe, perhaps, make me love my scale again.

On a funnier note (and relevant to the meme I’m about to post), the boyfriend told me the other night that I was giving him anxiety as I sat at the kitchen island with My Fitness Pal open and I was scanning bar codes and weighing food to try and work out what I could eat to meet my macros.  I kept catching him looking over at me and at first I thought it was because I was talking to myself trying to do the math and whatnot but it turns out it was just stressing him out because I had all of this food out in front of me but it took me half an hour to work out what I could actually eat in said pile of food.  I guess I can see why……


Learning to Love the Scale

Learning to Love my Macros

Well, I finally bit the bullet and sat down and talked about my health and fitness goals with a Nutritionist.  She came highly recommended to me by a number of men and women in the CrossFit community who have had a lot of success with her plans, so I thought “It’s time” after a lengthy text message conversation with one of my coaches (who also uses this lady) who said to me “It’s very obvious you have a LOT of muscle but it’s also obvious that you love food.”

At first I felt a little insulted by his comment but he followed it up with more in his messages that softened the blow a little.  I pondered his comment long and hard that evening and realized that he was 100% accurate in that statement.  I do have a lot of muscle and I really DO love food (and wine and beer) and that is what is slowing me down from losing weight and improving on things I am struggling with at CrossFit.

So, my coach hooked me up with this Nutritionist who gave me and two of my CrossFit girlfriends an amazing package deal for her services.  At first I just sent her pictures and my weight and discussed my eating and whatnot, but then she decided to come and meet me at my CrossFit box and do a workout alongside me.  She arrived and holy mother of all things holy she was fit.  After the workout (which she destroyed me on) we talked a bit about the plan and after that I was sold.

The next day she sent me a full blown package outlining how many macros I should be eating each day (protein, fats and carbs) and how to properly track them so I stay within reach.  I have to check in with the Nutritionist every Monday and let her know how my week went.  I also am going to have to be okay with weighing myself because she wants me weighing myself every morning and keeping track of it to give to her each Monday.  Oh, and I also have to take weekly pictures to send her way.

I went out and bought a food scale and was enthusiastic to get started.

Yesterday was day one.  It went terribly.  My carbohydrates were well and truly passed the recommended limit, I got nowhere near my protein requirements but surprisingly my fat was almost on par.  It took me longer to weigh out my cut up vegetables and do the necessary math than it did for me to eat my entire lunch.  I was shaking hungry by the time I actually got any food in my mouth.

I went into emergency response mode and worked out that just my morning coffee alone (with milk and sugar) shot my carbs through the roof, so I went out and bought stevia and almond milk to replace my beloved milk and sugar.

To help with my protein deficiency I went out and bought cottage cheese, some turkey deli meat and some low carb/fat high protein powder (chocolate….to make me feel like I don’t want to cry every time I try and power back a protein shake because I can pretend I’m eating a chocolate bar).

I also weighed out my breakfast and lunch foods while I packed them last night so that I didn’t end up in a situation like yesterday where I was desperate for lunch but still had to weigh everything and input it into my app before I could inhale it.  For those who need a helpful website for nutritional information, I highly recommend!

Day two is going better so far.  The coffee with almond milk and stevia will definitely take some getting used to but I think I can handle it (goodbye Tim Horton’s double doubles….at least for now).  I know the whole point of counting macros is so that you CAN have treats here and there but right now based on my numbers I don’t even see how I could possibly fit them in.  Maybe eventually I’ll get there but for now I’m going to try and stick with foods that I know fuel me properly instead of wasting my macros on stuff that will just make me tired.

I am hoping to stick with this for a few months and see how much change I can physically see.  I have seen the changes in some other CrossFit members that she has helped and it makes me feel positive for my own progress.  I am also really happy that two other girls are doing this with me and we are able to share tips and advice. I am feeling positive about this and am hoping to stick with this for awhile!


Learning to Love my Macros